Things You Always Expect Two Of:
Bounces over a speed bump
Forks at a semi-fancy restaurant
Nipples
Names for Future Pets or Children:
Maude (pet)
Calamity Jane (child)
Tipsy (pet)
Bo (pet)
Asparagus (Gus) (honestly either)
Susan (pet)
Words That Have Changed Cases in the Age of the Internet:
A follow
A like
To friend
To story
To google
To uber
And Words That Have Changed Meaning:
To load
Specific Fears:
Invasive species
Chicken bones splintering
Losing contacts in my eyes
Men wearing big watches
Things Waspy People Like to Do:
Handle their alcohol well
Embellish their stories
Use the phrase ‘sea legs’
Ask where you are getting surgery, and then nod knowingly when you say 'HSS'
Letters You Can Spell Phonetically Without Using Said Letters:
Double you
Eye
Wigh
Jee
See
Eigh
Yew
The Last Things I Need in My Life
Cheek pimples
Weak, cruel men
Inexplicably Sad Things:
One shoe on the side of the road
An unfinished wine glass left on the table
An empty stadium
Knowledge/ Skills I’d Like to Have:
Constellations
Knots
Beer pong
Mental math
Patience
Laws of the Universe That I Find Comforting:
Reality does not follow philosophical preference or beauty. (The earth is not at the center of perfectly circular planetary orbits, sorry God.)
One of the things that challenged the Church’s Dogma that heaven was perfect were sunspots and lunar craters.
Mass is Destiny (the size of planets dictate their activity, lifespan, and habitability, more than any other characteristic)
Physics and Chemistry are the same everywhere. in. the. universe. (And the universe is HUGE)
So huge, that the nearest star is 24 trillion miles away.
The universe seems "fine tuned" for intelligent life (a 10th younger or a 10 times older, we wouldn't exist)
Everything in the entire universe is either matter or thought.
Stupidest Cars
Cadillac pick up truck
Points of No Return:
Bermuda Triangle
Final sale
Tennis ace
Expulsion / Exile
Final Sale
Inspired by the NYT Crossword
“#” :
Hashtag
Number
Pound
Sharp
Tic-Tac-Toe
Why Millennials Aren’t Having Sex, According to the Experts:
Hookup Culture
Crushing economic pressures
Surging anxiety rates
Psychological frailty
Widespread antidepressant use
Streaming television
Environmental estrogens leaked by plastics
Dropping testosterone levels
Digital porn
Vibrator’s “Golden age”
Dating apps
Option paralysis
Helicopter parents
Careerism
Smartphones
Sleep deprivation
Obesity
Rise of long distance relationships
Colors That Don’t Sound Like They Look:
Vermillion
Chartreuse
Puce
Mauve
Things that Feel Masturbatory:
Describing the theme of the crossword puzzle you just finished
Telling someone about your dream
Writing in your journal in public
Technology I Don’t Understand:
Fax machines
Player pianos
Record players
Those animated overlays on a hockey rink/ football field that play on TV
My Favorite Examples of “-eses” :
Crosswordese: ewer, oread, erne, obi
Algospeak: unalived, 9:59, WHO, seggs
Therapy Speak: trauma, attacked, boundary
Words You Might Expect to Mean Something Else:
Witness: NOT the condition or quality of wit
Some of my Grandfather’s Favorite Paraprosdokians:
“Where there’s a will, I’d like to be in it.” - Winston Churchill
"If I could just say a few words … I'd be a better public speaker." - Homer Simpson
“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marks
"On the other hand, you have different fingers." - Steven Wright
"Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read." - Jim Brewer or maybe Groucho Marks
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." - Mitch Hedberg
Some Examples of Causation =/= Correlation:
80% of Covid patients who were put on ventilators died
People Whose Careers Were Made Better by Trump’s Presidency:
George W. Bush
That guy who’s a historian of presidential golf games
Maggie Haberman
Some Really Good Things:
Portrait of a Man by Jan's van Eyck
Roasted pine nuts
Wentworth wooden puzzles
The sound of bell bouys at night
Memoirs of the wives of well known men
Peeling dried paint off your hands
Sleeping naked
Richard Linklater's Before Trilogy
The way my mother puts her hair half up with a clip
NPRs Tiny Desk Concerts
Things That Take One Billion Years:
A rocky object 500 km in diameter turning spherical by gravity